Heart Break: My Regrets (2)

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We did these same things and did this same dance for four good years. Eventually, she began to lose interest in me. I could tell when I began to see anger in her eyes every morning after I had messed myself up. She cheated on me with someone else and when I found out, it crushed me. Even with all that, I couldn’t dream of letting her go. I loved her so much and I believed that we could work through anything plus, I knew that I was the cause of most of her actions and no matter what, I always envisioned her as the mother of my kids.

Fast forward to January, I eventually found a great-paying job which I loved and I was able to support the both of us so I began to feel good about myself in that regard. We celebrated the entire 2014 in the name of my success and life seemed golden. Finally, my career struggle was over! I was the happiest man during those days and I tried to make my girl the happiest girl while trying to right all the wrongs that I had caused in the past times.

Unfortunately I started to drink again (after being a serial drunk for years, it was difficult to quit just like that) and I lied severally about it and thus undermining any trust that she left. At that time, she started to give me warnings that I had to stop or else she’d leave. I remember her saying those words so many times in different ways. Fortunately, I finally stopped but we would still argue from time to time and there was never peace between us for too long. Sometime around mid-February, she began to tell me that she was unsatisfied in our relationship and that we needed to talk. Just hearing her say those words scared me and I tried everything that I could to avoid that talk every time she mentioned it.

In the beginning of March, I noticed that she started to act suspiciously. She seemed to pay more attention to sending text messages on her phone than being in my company. So, I naturally had a hunch something was wrong. When I couldn’t take the curiosity anymore, I began to snoop around. I checked her work email regularly and soon, I noticed that she made reservations at hotel to be with some other guy on the same weekend that I was going out of town. To make a long painful story short, I confronted her about it over the phone while she was at work, she was so shocked that I found out and she started crying.

That night, she eventually came home from work. The first thing she said was that we should break up. She said that I should‘ve talked to her all that while when she insisted on it because it was now too late for anything else and we had to break up. I begged to get her to change her mind but her mind was obviously made up. The next day, I went to work and got back home to find that she was gone. I called her and she clearly said that we shouldn’t be around each other anymore because one of us needed to move out.

She went to stay at a friend’s house for the past 3 weeks looking for a place for herself and she has blocked my number from her cell phone. It turns out that this random guy is an ex of hers whom she had dated before me. She even hinted that they are talking about marriage. Meanwhile, I’ve been alone in our old apartment reminiscing, broken-hearted but refusing to let go and drowning of my regrets. I’ve been reading passages from Psalms to make it through the day. My life feels like it’s over and I don’t know where to run to.